midnight thinks

Always i am trying to keep my feelings into myself because when I was a kid I cried every time, and injust think now is necessary to worry about stupid things because life has more bad things that my personal feelings, but I cannot hold this all bull shit.
Like I arrive in my country a days ago, I couldn't hug my mom or my brother for the coronavirus, I didn't set them in almost 7 months and now I am in isolation for 14 days (now I have 5 left ) I cannot be with my family and the only thing I do is school work, overthink (like now) or try to think that all is okay.
but you know nothing is, I need to adapt to my new style life and also i have the pressure of my senior year, college, grades, and the situation after my exchange program has done brutally. 
 Now I am thinking that maybe I cannot do it, I don't want this. I love to learn new things but not like this. I never want to be the best in my class but I want to have the grades I deserve for and have the recognition for it.
The last year I had an average of 67 in my junior year but I was so close with 68, I know that both are good grates but if I had 68 I could win a scholarship and help my mom with all the things during my exchange year but not my teachers say they will put the extra grade that they didn't put when I will back and sadly this year the school change the rules (steps) for every grade and maybe they could not put my grade in.

Another thing is that I really miss my host family, and I am sad because I didn't do all the things good and all the things I want.